If It Is Not Simple, It Is Not Understood

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Part of me wants to delete the title.To sit down with a blank page, in a complicated world, and say the answer is simple — it feels bold.  I recently told a client that I too get mad at the process of my work. She looked at me wide-eyed, holding her breath.

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Let’s be clear: I love my work. I’ve asked myself if this was my last week on earth would I still do this work. The answer is yes. Yes, I’ll show up for the people who find their way to me. Yes, I’ll keep distilling down complicated practices so women and couples can actually use them — so they can build lives and relationships that thrive. Because these tools don’t belong locked away in jargon. They belong in the hands of ordinary people.

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The truth is, this work isn’t sexy. It’s not Instagrammable. It’s not flashy. But it’s repeatable. And when you learn it, it turns even ordinary days into flow, and hard days into lessons that guide you forward.

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I wear a running watch because I am a runner and it counts my steps. I have worked very hard to detach from needing to hit a certain number of steps a day though it is something I check in and see how much I did. The watch doesn’t run me, I work with it as the tool it is. The attachment to good or bad and the attachment to my perceived self-worth from my accomplishment is not there. With that in mind…somedays I choose to make sure I hit my goal. Why? Because it feels damn good to hit goals.

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So here we were last Friday night and I was 40 steps away from my goal as I climbed into bed. Some days I let it go but that night I checked in and decided I wanted to hit the goal and so I walked around the house and as I did that I saw the pink sky at 10:15pm. Pink sky?!? I ran outside to see the sky in many different colors purple, pink,and green lying amongst the stars and the moon. I was so thankful in that moment. Sure the internet says it wasn’t real and you get to believe what you want to believe… my decision to hit that goal led me to see something I have never seen before and that is magic.

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Here is why this story matters: my running watch is not in the spirit of mindfulness. The act of“needing” to hit that goal is also perceived as not mindful and yet it led to a moment of deep gratitude and peace. WHY? Because I allow myself to change and ebb and flow and I do the daily unsexy work of mastering my mind and my emotions.

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This is where couples get lost too. Not in the fights themselves (all couples have disagreements), but in the confusion of shoulds and unspoken expectations: I should feel this way, you should act that way, we should always be on the same page. When you live by the “shoulds,” you lose the thread of what’s real.

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Relationship intelligence is this: checking in with yourself first, returning to simplicity,and then bringing that clarity to your partner. Not reacting from confusion. Not forcing a choice before you’re ready. Just pausing long enough to let the simple truth rise up.

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Because when it’s true, it’s simple. And when you and your partner can honor those truths together — even if they’re different — the relationship shifts from confusion into clarity.