Boiling points...

There is this feeling of rage that comes on suddenly in me. It begins to swirl around, crawling out of my skin, needing to be eradicated from my body in any available capacity. It is a quick feeling that feels as if I have been over and yet a slow feeling as if it will never ever leave. 

When my first born was about 11 months old I remember texting an old friend from graduate school sharing with her about my “mom rage”. She responded with shock and horror and then has never talked to me again. Woof…talk about shame inducing. Here I thought someone with a similar education to me and someone with a 14 month old would surely GET that this thing I struggled with was part of the course- my course…but not a damning thing. 

It is certainly a DAMN thing. Is it a damning thing? I don’t think so. 

It is A thing.

A thing I have made a promise to myself to understand better and control. The rage leaves me utterly exhausted after, in fact I know it burns me out and will lead to burnout.

Here is the latest thing in a series of things that sent me into a rage: Meals. 

I sat on the front porch watching the cars go by and had this thought I could not shake… I have 18 more YEARS of planning meals. Three meals a day for 18 years. As the cars passed I felt my body start to swirl. I tried to logic the rage away: “But Mary you LOVE cooking”; “But Mary you just completed your certification in Nutritional Mental Health Counseling”, “But Mary you have spent TWO YEARS studying ancient nourishment for women, men and children”. 

Yes brain- true- “BUT”, my brain fought back, “You don’t have the time to actually implement the things you learned because the society is so broken”. The rage seed was planted… I went about my day and after the kids went to bed my husband said one comment about putting the dishes away and I LOST it to the rage. 

I raged hard. I took myself outside, threw my kids' ball against the tree, screamed some choice words into the air, flipped over our stone chair and came back inside both embarrassed and content. 

In the midst of my rage I made a decision: We will now plan the same meals for a whole month with one day a week that is “different”. I have heard my mentor Rachelle Garcia Seliga say “On the other side of rage is creation” though I never embodied this idea until this day. In fact this was the first time that my rage was in any way productive. My rage has mostly led to burnout, loss of friendships, feeling isolated and moments of feeling deep imposter syndrome (believing that I am flawed because I feel rage). 

Rage has been exhausting.  

If you rage- I see you. I work with women who also rage. We work on how to use that rage to create effective change and how to overcome it. I am also deep diving into the WHY behind the rage and some of what I have found out is making instant connections for the women I see. So many “Ah! Right that makes sense” moments. 

In hopes to ease the decision fatigue and mental load for you and your family: I wanted to share this monthly meal plan. It is simple and to the point.