Maternal Suicide
When I was an emergency services worker at the local hospital I was called in one night for "a distraught mother". Those words still sicken me. The words felt cold and misunderstanding of what it meant to be a mother. I met with this woman, in a locked room on a locked floor. She was exhausted. She was under resourced. She felt under appreciated. She BEGGED me to send her to an inpatient hospital. BEGGED ME.
I sat with her for 2 hours. She had never had any mental health history. She was not suicidal. She was not homicidal. She was exhausted and under resourced and very likely under appreciated. She was your average "modern day mother".
I did not recommend a hospital. I did beg HER to go to a hotel. I did beg HER to share with her husband how she really felt. I did plead with her to find a therapist who "got it". A therapist that could see that she was not broken- the system (the whole thing and also her family system) was broken.
The system is broken.
Most women get one 6 week postpartum check up after birth. Though an organization called 2020 Mom (https://www.2020mom.org/maternal-suicide) found that women most often complete suicide between 6 to 12 months postpartum. This is a huge disconnect.
What happens between 6 and 12 months postpartum? Often the mom is working again, her friends/family have dropped off, her husband is working. Plus they have a baby! This means mom is likely not sleeping, regenerative chores are still growing, maybe their body isn't "back to normal" and the things you use to love to do seem like a distant memory.
This time period of motherhood is awkward, lonely and hard. The demands of life increase while the help decreases. Mom's often tell me they feel alone and left to do it all on their own. Did I mention that the baby is still being a baby during all this...learning to crawl, walk, talk, have opinions.
It is NO wonder why that woman ended up in the ER that day. It is also telling that anyone reading this can pull up a picture in their brain of a modern day mother. What is it telling me? That we need to work to change the belief that mothers are inherently flawed this belief keeps mothers from asking for help and mother's need help. (Humans need help but that is another story).
What can you do?
*Check in on your friends with children. I mean get in your car, bring some food and knock on their doors and check in. If they are not home- leave the food and send a text.
*Do not say "Let me know when you need something". Instead say "I am going to the grocery store and going to pick up some fruit and (insert favorite food here). What else can I get you?
*Create space for real talk. Maybe this is sending a video or voice message through the phone or maybe it is again stopping by and being together in person.
Isolation and loneliness breed feelings of under appreciation and feelings of being under resourced. If you are not in a place where you can physically be with your mom friends then send them a care package! I also highly recommend online mom groups (Check out mine here: https://marymartina.com/the-new-mom-club-new )
Mothers were never meant to mother alone. I don't say that to romanticize the past, I say that to urge you to create a future where mothers are living to see their babies grow up to be toddlers and beyond.