Repotting plants has always given me small bursts of anxiety. The idea of taking a plant out of its home and giving it a new home makes me worried. I do all the things the books say I should do: I trust the plant will take care of itself. I mentally give the plant sometime to adjust and I do my best to encourage the plant to let it know that there is more room. I want the plant to take up more space and yet I worry.

This worry keeps me from repotting my plants when they are ready to change pots. The worry turns into zig-zagging. I zig over here and clean the oven. I zag over here and reorganize tupperware. When really my attention should be on this plant that is ready for the next step.  Zig, zig, zag, zag… sometimes I do this for weeks. Ignoring what I already know to be true, letting the plant sit there...waiting for me to be honest with myself.

I zig and zag because repotting plants is messy. No matter how hard I try the dirt goes places I didn’t expect. Even when I gear up and put on gloves I am left with tiny dirt specks under my nails and on my arms. Dirt scars. Change scars.

Sometimes in the middle of changing pots, I get the roots of the plants so twisted that I fear I took away the plants survival plan. Plants need to be rooted and then that fear comes back; I think “why did I even start this process”.  

When I allow myself to take action the whole repotting process only takes a matter of minutes. Even though while I am doing the actions it feels like years. And then as I clean up and look at the happy plant in its new home. I think “why didn’t I start this sooner- that was easy”.

More often than not the fear of change is bigger and scarier than the actual process of changing.  Anticipatory anxiety occurs when we are worried about a future event. This worry and fear can feel so intense that we become paralyzed and become stuck in inaction. So instead we zig, we zag and we go weeks without repotting our plants. We do not look at our own truth. We ignore that small but might call to “do the thing”, make the change, or just be honest with what we already know to be true. When we start to trust our own repotting process the anxiety will start to go away. When we allow change to take the time it will take, the moments will fly by even when the change has taken years. Small actionable steps will take you to from here to there. No zig zag dance required.

Be.ing In It..

What’s being in it? It the feeling that you have to be everything to everyone. The feeling that even if you do not have to DO anything you are still your family or friends emotional rock. You get to carry the emotional labor. Part of you can rationalize your feelings and compartmentalize them but that does not stop the feelings or even make you feel better.  

You hate not being able to ask for what you want, maybe you do not know what you want and you feel stuck. You hate that because you were born with lady parts you now feel like you cannot have all that you once wanted because there are so many things that you feel you have to be. When in truth you just want to be you without any societal expectations.

But who is that?  Who is the woman you were meant to be? Maybe it was who you were when you were  younger. The bubbly, wide eyed, fiery human that would ask to many questions, make too many friends and had a secret love for science but loved art just as much.

You wanted it all and to be fair, the world told you that you would have it all. The ever vague “they” marketed a world of adulthood that looked easy. Everyone is picture perfect and everyone is included.  You are given a false belief that at the same time you can perfectly balance working a high demand job, attending all the best social gatherings, raising well rounded children, keeping the passion alive with your significant other, and keeping up with your hobby.  Do you notice that we often forget to include time to have a relationship with ourselves? Where are you in that list?

Do I think it is possible for you to have all of those things in your life. Do I think it is possible for you feel at home in your skin? Do I think that when you walk into a room your light can be shining...YES. So much YES.  And I think that to do this, you need to take care of you first. Or at least…you need to take care of you. Can we meet there?

We cannot focus our attention equally to all areas. Typically if you have 5 priorities, three of those you can really tend too and the others will be on the back burner. That is ok! Congrats, you are human.

You can have enough and you can be happy and you can learn to radically accept that something will give and you will eventually have to make a choice. Maybe by making the choice of where to put your focus, you will start to come out of it.  You begin to realize that having it all becomes simpler when you allow “all” to be an ever moving target.

There are a million and ten reasons to be in “it” and there are just as many reasons why you are an amazing human. A quick way to step out if being in it is to find someone who you can trust to hear you out, a therapist,  a best friend, significant other and just say it. Yes- just say it. Whatever it is that keeps you in “it”. Say it. Let it be known. After you say it, be done with it. If you find you can not move on then the help of a trained therapist can help you process the thoughts and feelings so that you can get back to you. The truth is emotions good or bad are only temporary and you will come out the other side, so hold on tight and then let go. I see you.