“What happened Mommy?” my son asks with inquisition already knowing that I just mentally checked out and I just shifted to overwhelm and panic.

I shake my head “Nothing Bubbie, nothing” I lie.

“What happened Mommy?” he insists...

...

I see you.

I see you overworked, rushing from here to there. I see you frantically cleaning the house, folding the laundry and organizing the toys so that you can all have a few moments of family time together.

I see you.

I see you doing the mental math around naps and feeding schedules so that you can have a few moments to yourself. So that you can actually see a friend.

I see you.

I see you creating lists of chores that are forever and always regenerative.

I see you.

I see you working to be present with what is while thinking of the bills, the dinner, the permission slip, the job you are supposed to be working and then there is that small matter of managing your relationship to keep this ship running.

I see you.

I see you hurrying up to get to your life. Hurrying up to find that place where it all clicks. Constantly seeking the illusion of balance.

And because I see you.

I ask: Where are you going? This is your life. This. The mess. THIS is life.

Your life is not a destination you arrive at when everything is perfectly in place.

Your life is this beautiful chaotic day of parenting.

...

When we live life as something to be frantically won our children feel it. They sense our chaotic, rushing nature and they try to match it. This then creates more of what we are not looking for in our homes- chaos.

Here is the thing: Our brains are very smart but not smart enough to tell if something we are thinking about is happening in the past, now or in the future. So when we are overwhelmed by something in the past or in the future we send the signals to our nervous system that now is a great time to freak out.

Ah- our kids see this and think- ok I see you and match you...

So what can you do?

Here are four things to try to bring you and your kiddos back into the actual moment that you are in:

1. Progressive muscle relaxation- this can be done with any body part you can squeeze. Hold for 30 seconds and release. You can do your whole body (from feet to head or head to toes) or just one area like your arms.

2. BE where your feet are. Say it to yourself until you are there. Name things around you and feel your feet in your shoes or on the ground.

3. DANCE. Put on your favorite song or wheels on the bus and move your bodies together.

4. Laugh- it is hard to be overwhelmed and laugh at the same time. PLUS children laughing evokes more laughter and we could all use a bit more joy.

When you’re in pain it’s easy to think something is wrong with you.

To feel like there is something broken inside.

To wonder if something internal is malfunctioning because you cannot do all of the things required of you and manage to be happy at the same time.

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Your brain quickly fills up any free mental space with all of the ways to fix the problem:

Maybe you need to get up earlier so you have more time for a positive morning routine.

Maybe you need to practice gratefulness more.

Maybe you should exercise more.

Maybe you should find a group to join.

Maybe you need to get more organized.

I’d like to interrupt that endless cycle of rumination with some new thoughts:

Maybe nothing is wrong with you.

Maybe it feels hard BECAUSE IT IS HARD.

Maybe you are exhausted because what you are experiencing IS EXHAUSTING.

Maybe you are sad, depleted, and deeply unsure about life because what you are experiencing is life-altering and mentally, emotionally, and physically challenging.

Our feelings are important messengers.

They point to our deeper needs. Like needs for support, rest, connection, understanding, and play.

Our feelings signal to us when our needs are being met (like when we feel joyful after a meaningful, deep conversation) and when they are not (like when we’re frustrated because someone did not understand us in an important conversation).

Sometimes the circumstances in our lives do not allow our needs to be met. Sometimes there isn’t space for rest or recuperation. Sometimes we do not have the connection and support we deeply desire.

In those periods, painful emotions of sadness, exhaustion, pain, and anger arise.

It does not mean you are broken. In fact, it means you are a healthy functioning human. It means your spirit is in tune with your needs. It means your signaling system - your feelings - are on point and working.

When we recognize that, we can stop blaming and shaming ourselves. We can see how the external environment is impacting us and we can make real choices that get to the root - instead of trying to fix something that was never broken in the first place.

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About the Author:

Jackie Schuld is an Art Therapist (ATR) whose private practice is devoted to women who experience overwhelming thoughts and emotions. She is an autistic individual who is endlessly and delightfully creating art, essays, books, and herself. You can see and read more at www.jackieschuld.com.

Let’s back up.

I planned the perfect postpartum.

I had in place all of my pillars. I stocked the fridge. Threw myself a Nesting party. I had my mom here for a whole month and my husband took off work to be with us. I was getting the home birth I so dreamed about with my first child. I had lined up a meal train. I felt so ready for the change that was coming my way.

Looking back now -that- was probably the problem. I was so ready. I had planned it all. I had everything in place.

I had failed though to see the crumbling foundation around my husband and my friend group. The third-trimester hormones worked perfectly to keep me in this bubble of -not bliss- but a lack of an ability to see outside of myself and my children.

So on my sixth day of pre-labor, I went to my husband in tears and said “You have to pull it together- I have a baby trying to come out of me and I need to feel safe”…so when even THAT didn’t tip me off for what was coming nothing would have.

At times I was left alone with a baby for 12 hours at a time. I didn’t leave my room though I wasn’t nourished until I directly asked. My meal train totally flopped. Until a soul sister in another country reached out to her women and THOSE women showed up for me in a way that began to fill my soul back up. And some of those women are forever etched on my heart.

And then for weeks I lived in this place in the in-between nursing wounds of abandonment while nursing a child. Feeling the fire of anger. Matched only with a feeling of joy and love I had never yet experienced. I held my baby alone after her tongue and lip surgery while she cried in pain…alone…with me. My nerves were shot.

At some point, I started searching for ways to crawl myself back out of this darkness. My marriage got harder. My friendships continued to morph and dissolve or morph and just change.

Somewhere in there though I was starting to feel whole again. I read books I never thought I would read. I signed up for a big mountain race and invited/convinced (which wasn’t hard) my new bestie from the internet to join me. I decided that every day I would simply start to say Thank You. I joined a breathwork class. I sought out a new mentor. I decided I could no longer stay this version of myself that I had been trying to be.

And then in the quietest way, possible something in me shifted. I started being able to ask myself this: “If this was my last day on earth would I want to be doing this, thinking this, saying this?” And if I said no… I stopped whatever it was. I just stopped. I took a moment and I’d pivot if I could.

The practice is not perfect. Though it’s working. Today I found myself dancing with my son in the grocery store wearing the hat and shoes he picked out for me to wear… his hat by the way… and you know why? Because if it is my last day on earth I want to say YES to wearing his hat. And I most certainly want to be dancing.

Life is more both/and then I think we feel comfortable to admit. It takes courage to change and it is perfectly healthy and wise of you to change.

If you let it the healing that can happen during those early postpartum days can pave the way for a vibrant life.

I sat in the office with my midwife and said “I just don’t want to have to willingly walk into the fire of transformation again”. We were talking about birth, specifically the birth of my second child. She nodded and shared that she once spoke similar words. I have written about the unraveling of motherhood that starts in pregnancy and continues through the journey to motherhood. I have lived it. I have walked the road across the threshold into motherhood, during a pandemic and here I sat a few weeks out from doing it again.

My midwife held the space as I recalled the feelings of slowly being pulled apart by uncertainty. The feeling of both an expansion and a force slow down. I spoke of the power in letting go in birth and beyond and how at times the need to let go actually annoys me…EVERYTHING about my Virgo, Enneagram 1, holder of family emotions loves control. However, life has taught me to know better about the power of surrender and radical acceptance. There is power in meeting yourself where you are at. It is during the postpartum or 4th trimester or sacred window or whatever you choose to call it It is here that we benefit from receiving. It is here that we find ourselves after we walk through the fire of transformation. It is here in the postpartum that we heal.