"The wise heart is at peace with the way things are." - Jack Kornfield

I floated around the house last night, reminding myself to come back into my body at almost every turn. I stepped over the balance bike. I maneuvered around the trains, the cups, the half eaten mac and cheese all while focusing on returning to now. Returning to seeing my children explore life. Returning to what is and was actually in front of me in real time.

My son, almost three, opens the freezer to get an ice pack. He throws it on the floor. He does it again. My first thought, as I sit there holding his sister who cries when I put her down, is to say "It's too loud". I feel that thought. I allow myself to have that thought. Then I choose to say "O, you are learning that the ice pack makes sounds." I ask him to try dropping the defrosted ice pack to see what happens. It doesn't make a sound and he moves on to something else.

We ebb and flow like this all night. At one point both the kids have returned to the kitchen counter for the fourth time. I am continually thinking: stay with what is here. My mind does wander. It wanders to the questions like "why can't I be this present all the time?" and "why is it so much harder to be in this moment when my husband is home?".

In this ebb and flow, there are moments of big tears. Huge tears. I don't even know why the tears are occurring and these moments feel like they will last forever. In these moments I give myself permission to feel the sadness and the pain that can come with staying present to someone's tears. I give myself permission to remember that my emotions are not my children's and therefore their emotions do not have to be mine.

I focus on the fact that all emotions typically last 90 seconds. I know that after those 90 seconds it is the thoughts that I allow into my brain that keep the emotion alive or allow the emotion it run it's course.

This practice of staying with what is has not come with ease. I have resisted this practiced and often require the support of others to pull me back into what I can control. That being this moment right now. This is the only moment I have to tend too.

Staying present in the chaos takes radical acceptance of the here and now. Radical acceptance does not mean that we a) like the thing/agree with it, b) wish it to come around more or c) want it to continue. Radical acceptance DOES mean no longer fighting against the reality of the here and now.

It is in this surrender of what is that we find extended peace. This is a practice and not a place you land forever and ever. No this is a daily task, ritual, THING. It is the returning to your body, I often say "stand in your feet". I mean be fully where your feet are at that moment. It servers everyone the most when we can do this.

For you it might be a mantra (ex. this is the moment that matters), a breathing technique, or a post-it note to bring you back into the moment. One technique that works for many is to "act the opposite". If you want to scream, feel that feeling and then do something to laugh. If you want to cry, FEEL the sadness and then do something to cause you to smile. In our house we sing what we want from the other person often as a way to change the energy in the room. Whatever it is that brings you back to what is right in front of you IS the goal.

It is as simple and as complicated as that you. What can you control to stay present in the chaos? This moment - right here.

When I was an emergency services worker at the local hospital I was called in one night for "a distraught mother". Those words still sicken me. The words felt cold and misunderstanding of what it meant to be a mother. I met with this woman, in a locked room on a locked floor. She was exhausted. She was under resourced. She felt under appreciated. She BEGGED me to send her to an inpatient hospital. BEGGED ME.

I sat with her for 2 hours. She had never had any mental health history. She was not suicidal. She was not homicidal. She was exhausted and under resourced and very likely under appreciated. She was your average "modern day mother".

I did not recommend a hospital. I did beg HER to go to a hotel. I did beg HER to share with her husband how she really felt. I did plead with her to find a therapist who "got it". A therapist that could see that she was not broken- the system (the whole thing and also her family system) was broken.

The system is broken.

Most women get one 6 week postpartum check up after birth. Though an organization called 2020 Mom (https://www.2020mom.org/maternal-suicide) found that women most often complete suicide between 6 to 12 months postpartum. This is a huge disconnect.

What happens between 6 and 12 months postpartum? Often the mom is working again, her friends/family have dropped off, her husband is working. Plus they have a baby! This means mom is likely not sleeping, regenerative chores are still growing, maybe their body isn't "back to normal" and the things you use to love to do seem like a distant memory.

This time period of motherhood is awkward, lonely and hard. The demands of life increase while the help decreases. Mom's often tell me they feel alone and left to do it all on their own. Did I mention that the baby is still being a baby during all this...learning to crawl, walk, talk, have opinions.

It is NO wonder why that woman ended up in the ER that day. It is also telling that anyone reading this can pull up a picture in their brain of a modern day mother. What is it telling me? That we need to work to change the belief that mothers are inherently flawed this belief keeps mothers from asking for help and mother's need help. (Humans need help but that is another story).

What can you do?

*Check in on your friends with children. I mean get in your car, bring some food and knock on their doors and check in. If they are not home- leave the food and send a text.

*Do not say "Let me know when you need something". Instead say "I am going to the grocery store and going to pick up some fruit and (insert favorite food here). What else can I get you?

*Create space for real talk. Maybe this is sending a video or voice message through the phone or maybe it is again stopping by and being together in person.

Isolation and loneliness breed feelings of under appreciation and feelings of being under resourced. If you are not in a place where you can physically be with your mom friends then send them a care package! I also highly recommend online mom groups (Check out mine here: https://marymartina.com/the-new-mom-club-new )

Mothers were never meant to mother alone. I don't say that to romanticize the past, I say that to urge you to create a future where mothers are living to see their babies grow up to be toddlers and beyond.

I have started and deleted this blog more times than I can count. Stolen in moments between naps, clients, conversations with friends or my husband. I have written notes on this topic in the margins of paper when other mothers tell me privately how isolated that they feel.

Still I get a gut punch when I sit to write on finding friends in motherhood. It feels like yet another way we tell moms they are failing. It feels like what people want from me, as a therapist, is to give them a 3-5 step plan on HOW to make friends as a mother.

I COULD do that for you. I won't do that for you.

Friendship in motherhood is way more complicated than any of us, myself included here, are willing to admit.

There are societal expectations that keep us trapped in our isolation. There is actual mental load that keeps us at the bottom of the to do list pile. Then there is often a need for dual incomes, guilt associated with being away from your baby.

All this adds up. It adds up and equals increased isolation.

Sometimes I think “you don’t need therapy- you need a play date”. The problem lies in allowing ourselves to have the play date. It’s the work around self worth and self determination. It’s the greater work of self trust.

The work of self trust is where I can help you move the needle. I can’t change society but I can support you in doing the work to change your mind set. I can support you in doing the work to come back home to yourself. In that work- in you feeling whole again- we do change society one mother at a time.

From a certainty in knowing your wholeness making friends as a mother no longer feels as complicated. You begin from here to separate the social expectation to standing in what’s true for you. You love yourself and others a little deeper allowing for friendships to arise and honestly fall away as they need too.

So I won’t give you a 3 to 5 step plan to make mom friends. Though I will walk next to you on the journey back to self trust.

There is this feeling of rage that comes on suddenly in me. It begins to swirl around, crawling out of my skin, needing to be eradicated from my body in any available capacity. It is a quick feeling that feels as if I have been over and yet a slow feeling as if it will never ever leave. 

When my first born was about 11 months old I remember texting an old friend from graduate school sharing with her about my “mom rage”. She responded with shock and horror and then has never talked to me again. Woof…talk about shame inducing. Here I thought someone with a similar education to me and someone with a 14 month old would surely GET that this thing I struggled with was part of the course- my course…but not a damning thing. 

It is certainly a DAMN thing. Is it a damning thing? I don’t think so. 

It is A thing.

A thing I have made a promise to myself to understand better and control. The rage leaves me utterly exhausted after, in fact I know it burns me out and will lead to burnout.

Here is the latest thing in a series of things that sent me into a rage: Meals. 

I sat on the front porch watching the cars go by and had this thought I could not shake… I have 18 more YEARS of planning meals. Three meals a day for 18 years. As the cars passed I felt my body start to swirl. I tried to logic the rage away: “But Mary you LOVE cooking”; “But Mary you just completed your certification in Nutritional Mental Health Counseling”, “But Mary you have spent TWO YEARS studying ancient nourishment for women, men and children”. 

Yes brain- true- “BUT”, my brain fought back, “You don’t have the time to actually implement the things you learned because the society is so broken”. The rage seed was planted… I went about my day and after the kids went to bed my husband said one comment about putting the dishes away and I LOST it to the rage. 

I raged hard. I took myself outside, threw my kids' ball against the tree, screamed some choice words into the air, flipped over our stone chair and came back inside both embarrassed and content. 

In the midst of my rage I made a decision: We will now plan the same meals for a whole month with one day a week that is “different”. I have heard my mentor Rachelle Garcia Seliga say “On the other side of rage is creation” though I never embodied this idea until this day. In fact this was the first time that my rage was in any way productive. My rage has mostly led to burnout, loss of friendships, feeling isolated and moments of feeling deep imposter syndrome (believing that I am flawed because I feel rage). 

Rage has been exhausting.  

If you rage- I see you. I work with women who also rage. We work on how to use that rage to create effective change and how to overcome it. I am also deep diving into the WHY behind the rage and some of what I have found out is making instant connections for the women I see. So many “Ah! Right that makes sense” moments. 

In hopes to ease the decision fatigue and mental load for you and your family: I wanted to share this monthly meal plan. It is simple and to the point.